Feeling Obligated? 

How to Navigate through Resentment when You Are Met with Obligations

Attending holiday parties, attending to favors for friends, covering tasks for a colleague or meeting family expectation are situations most of us face. Life is filled with responsibilities and obligations. We are met with the pressure to be open and available because it is something we “have” to do or “should” be doing. When this feeling is suppressed and not released effectively, resentment can build. Feeling resentful occurs when we are met with tasks we are doing out of obligation rather than out of choice. It may be time to ask yourself, am I feeling overwhelmed? What are the expectations I am putting on myself? Are my expectations of myself unrealistic? Answering these questions can help bring awareness to where these emotions are stemming from. Feeling obligated to do something can have an emotional weight on us and impact our overall well-being. We can learn to manage this by being clear about our needs and setting boundaries with others. 

What is the emotion behind resentment and how does it build?

Resentment is a combination of feeling bitterness, disappointment and anger. Anger is felt when we feel that we have been wronged or that the situation was unfair. Anger is a more reactive response to an immediate threat or situation whereas resentment has plenty of underlying issues that linger and build up when unaddressed. Resentment can intensify over time and become an ongoing feeling stemming from unresolved conflict and unmet expectations. 

For example, let’s say you have a friend who runs late when meeting you. The first couple of times, you may feel a spike of frustration since you expect your friend to be on time. You may even wonder if this friend is considerate or respectful of your time. Resentment can build over time if this friend repeatedly shows up late. When you don’t communication your frustration and expectation to your friend, resentment may grow towards your friend, and you may find yourself wanting to avoid them. 

What does it mean to have an obligation? 

Feeling obligated to say “yes” to requests when you prefer to say “no” can originate from beliefs, stemming from childhood experiences and expanding into societal or cultural norms and expectations. Feeling obligated can sound like an internal voice telling you that you have no other choices or options. It is a belief that one should act out of loyalty, duty, or even love. This becomes very challenging when an obligation is met with a feeling of guilt where you may feel a great sense of responsibility to be there for others. However, what if the guilt is met with someone you resent? This may look like another internal voice telling you, “I don’t have to do anything for them”. This internal sensation of a push-pull can impact our emotions and sense of self. 

How do I navigate through the feeling of obligation? 

Set boundaries: Honor your own needs and protect your peace by setting clear boundaries with yourself and with others. The first step to setting a boundary is through gaining a deeper awareness of who you are. The better you know yourself, the stronger your boundaries will be. When you seta boundary, know that you are not “rejecting” or “disrespecting” others, rather you are protecting and respecting your emotional limits. It is okay to set limits with those around you, especially if you know that it is going to leave you feeling drained. 

Communicate your needs: It can be helpful to communicate your needs and express why you may be struggling with a request or obligation from others. For example, your mother asks that you run some errands for her that will take up several hours of your Saturday, and you have your some projects you needed to finish of your own. If you’re able to complete the request without feeling resentment, great! But if you are concerned about your own responsibilities, and it works better with your schedule to help your mom on another day, you can share that with her. You could say, “Mom, I can certainly help you with the errands, but today won’t work for me time wise. I could certainly help you with the errands tomorrow.” This will help you better balance your responsibilities for yourself and your family, otherwise, feelings of resentment may emerge. And your mom will also understand that you’re trying to be helpful, but have additional responsibilities too. 

If you’re looking for further assistance, seek therapeutic help for your emotional well-being. At Avedian Counseling Center, we have professionals ready to assist you in navigating the challenges of working through difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, grief, etc. To learn more about our services and receive support, reach out today to pace the way toward your growth.