How to Communicate With A Codependent Partner?
In many codependent relationships, communication becomes clouded not by cruelty, but by fear – fear of abandonment, rejection, or not being enough. This fear often leads to manipulative communication patterns that may have been learned early in life. Instead of expressing needs directly, individuals might hint, guilt, or control in an attempt to feel seen or secure, or to get their needs met.
These behaviors aren’t done maliciously – they’re defense mechanisms. In environments where honest expression was ignored or punished, indirect or manipulative communication might have been the only option for survival.
Manipulative Communication in Codependency
So what might manipulative communication in codependent relationships look like? Let’s break it down with an example.
Instead of clearly stating, “I feel lonely and would love some time together,” a codependent partner might say, “I guess you’re too busy for me again.”
There is a desire for connection hinted there, but it’s buried under sarcasm or guilt tripping, both of which are forms of emotional manipulation. Unfortunately, these tactics often push partners away, creating the opposite of what the person actually needed: closeness.
Finding a Solution: Clear and Assertive Communication
Assertiveness in relationships is the antidote to manipulative patterns. Do note that assertive communication is not the same as aggressive communication. Assertiveness is the honest, respectful expression of your feelings, needs, and boundaries, without attempts to guilt or pressure someone into compliance. Let’s look at an example.
Manipulative: “If you really loved me, you’d cancel your plans.”
Assertive: “I’m feeling a bit anxious today and would appreciate some time together. Can we talk about that?”
Of course, the shift toward assertiveness requires emotional courage. It means believing that your needs are valid and that you can express them directly without the need for disguise or pretense.
How To Communicate in Codependent Relationships
Learning to communicate assertively, especially when healing from codependency, is a process. It’s important to start by establishing clarity, confidence, and connection. Here are some small steps to get you started:
1. Pause and Reflect
a. Before reacting, ask yourself, “What do I really need right now?” Identifying your core needs helps you express them clearly, instead of defaulting to defensiveness.
2. Use “I” Statements
a. Focus on your feelings instead of assigning blame. For example, you can say something like, “I felt hurt when our plans changed suddenly,” instead of saying, “You never think about how I feel.” By focusing on your own concerns and needs, you can reduce the likelihood that the other person feels attacked or defensive and provide clarity about your own experience, thereby fostering an open conversation.
3. Be Specific and Kind
a. Vague or passive communication can lead to confusion, whereas specific and kind language can foster trust. For example, saying, “Can we schedule an hour together this weekend?” is clearer than saying, “I wish you cared more about me.”
Why Vulnerability is Key to Healthy Communication
Assertive communication allows space for vulnerability, which is a vital ingredient in emotional intimacy. Sure, it might feel risky to be so open. But vulnerability is where the real connection can spark.
As with most behaviors, the more you practice, the easier it will become. Over time, direct, assertive communication will replace manipulation, and relationships will lose their strain, growing stronger.
Healing Codependency Through Communication
Healing from codependency involves more than setting boundaries. It requires unlearning survival-driven habits and building new, healthier ones rooted in self-worth and emotional honesty.
Assertiveness is more than just a skill; it’s a vital quality. It’s a mindset, a daily practice, and a pathway to authentic, connected relationships.
Silva Depanian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC#121864) and Certified Anger Management Counselor at Avedian Counseling Center, offering services via telehealth and in Glendale. She specializes in chronic pain management, anxiety, anger management, and codependent relationships, working with individuals and groups who are seeking a more fulfilling quality of life. Silva’s mission is to help clients achieve their goals using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness techniques, through encouraging change, boundary setting, and healthy communication. Whether in individual sessions or group settings, Silva is here to listen, and works in tandem with clients on their journey towards balance and happiness.
