How Do I Improve My Communication Skills?

6 Golden Rules of Assertive Communication

The art of communication is one that is not often taught or directly spoken about. Most people learn how to communicate by observing and adapting to the styles of those around them. Some grow up in families where people tiptoe around their needs afraid of confrontation, or on the other hand learn to bulldoze their priorities and disregard the perspective of those around them. While communication isn’t always stuck in these two extremes, there is another way of being direct which is seen as the golden standard – assertive communication.

What is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication is the practice of directly expressing your feelings, thoughts, and needs in a respectful and approachable manner. It is not passive or aggressive, but a balance between both which helps facilitate healthy dynamics and conversations that are genuinely productive. Oftentimes people stay quiet or get loud because they are afraid they won’t be heard and similar fears. This is why assertive communication takes vulnerability and confidence, building trust and awareness that you deserve to be heard and that there might be a more effective way to make that happen. At its essence, assertive communication is rooted in self-assurance. To be willing to address your direct needs and expectations there is a need to start putting in the work to understand what is going on in your world; to be steady in the fact you want different and deserve to create relationships that feel safe. 

Why Do People Get Defensive in Conversations?

Blanket statements of your grievances tend to overwhelm the receiver, which is why there is a need to break down how direct yet approachable communication works. This practice of communication is about sending a clear invitation to others on how to show up for you. The following guide around assertive communication provides a helpful blueprint for how to slow down and get in touch with what relationally impacted you. Creating a guideline for another to better understand what specific action they did that negatively affected you and how to meet you differently in the future. 

What are the 6 Steps to Effective Communication?

To help you master the art of assertive communication, here’s a 6-step strategy to follow when communicating concerns:

1. **Use “I statements” to indicate how you’re feeling.** Start your communication by expressing your feelings using “I statements” such as “I feel frustrated when…” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed because…” This approach helps maintain vulnerability and avoid accusations or blame.

2. **State the specific behavior that bothers you.** Instead of generalizing or labeling, focus on the specific behavior that’s causing you concern. This makes it easier for the other person to understand and address the issue.

3. **Acknowledge why you think the person acted or didn’t act in a particular way.** Show empathy and understanding by acknowledging the other person’s perspective or potential reasons for their behavior. Remember no “BUT __” statements here, this is the practice of showing them you’ve done the work to explore why they may have shown up as they did. It can greatly soften the other person and create room for their own curiosity around your experience because they feel understood and less consumed by the pressure to defend their behavior.

4. **Say what you want respectfully.** Be clear about what you need or want from the other person. This step is crucial because it provides a path for resolution and allows the other person to understand how they can support or meet your needs now and in the future.

5. **Explain why your request is important.** Provide reasons why your request is important to you. This helps the other person understand the significance of the issue and increases the likelihood that they’ll accommodate your request.

6. **Share an alternative to your request.** Offer an alternative solution or compromise. This shows flexibility and a willingness to find a mutually agreeable solution.

This formula may feel awkward and unnatural at first, but it creates the groundwork for relationships built on mutual respect. When you start to express your concerns or hurt directly and respectfully you are inviting those in your world to also show up for themselves. Cultivating environments where opinions can be collaboratively addressed and conflict can be used constructively. Conflict will always be a part of life, an inevitable aspect of being a human with natural variations in priorities and values, including arguing with with neighbors and family members. Alas, assertive communication provides the tools and guidance for conflict to be a strengthening aspect of your relationships and an opportunity to become closer instead of it looming as a threat. 

This world is one where communication is the bedrock of our aspirations, careers, and relationships. By heightening your awareness and skills of direct assertiveness you empower yourself and those around you to be more authentic. You are creating space for more meaningful conversations and the opportunity to build trust so that your people can learn how to support you during the hard times. We invite you to tune into your voice and watch as your relationships shift alongside you.