How often have you heard (or said), “It’s just common sense!” in the heat of a disagreement? While it may feel like a valid response, this phrase can often shut down communication, create resentment, and reveal unspoken expectations that are more personal than universal.
In psychotherapy and relationship work, we see time and again how “common sense” is not so common, especially across different families, cultures, and life experiences. Let’s explore why relying on “common sense” can be problematic in relationships and review how clear communication, cultural awareness, and realistic expectations lead to healthier connections.
What Does “Common Sense” Really Mean?
At its core, “common sense” refers to practical judgment that is assumed to be shared by most people. But here’s the catch—what’s “common” is actually shaped by culture, upbringing, values, and past experiences.
What may seem obvious or intuitive to you may feel completely foreign to your partner, friend, or coworker. For example, in one family, it may be “common sense” to take your shoes off at the door, while in another, guests may be encouraged to keep their shoes on to stay warm or polite.
How Can Culture and Family Influence Our Expectations?
We often underestimate the profound impact our personal history has on our expectations of others. Culture plays a significant role in shaping ideas about:
- Respect and communication styles
- Household responsibilities
- Gender roles and parenting
- Emotional expression and regulation
When people from different backgrounds come together—romantically, socially, or professionally—expecting shared “common sense” can create invisible landmines.
Let’s take a look at a relationship misunderstanding in the following scenario:
Sarah grew up in a family where it was “common sense” to offer help when someone was cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Her partner, Greg, grew up in a home where the person who cooked was always the one who cleaned up, and others stayed out of the way.
One night, after cooking a full dinner, Sarah started doing the dishes and felt increasingly frustrated that Greg wasn’t offering to help. She snapped, “I shouldn’t have to ask—you should just know. It’s common sense!”
Greg, confused and a bit hurt, responded, “That’s not how it worked in my family. I thought I was giving you space.”
The takeaway from the scenario is that each person brought valid assumptions, but they were shaped by different norms. Neither was “right” nor “wrong”—they simply didn’t align. Instead of relying on “common sense,” what was needed was a conversation about expectations, preferences, and emotional needs.
The Problem with Unspoken Expectations
Saying something is “common sense” is often a way of expressing an unmet expectation, but without taking responsibility for communicating it.
Here’s why that’s a problem:
- It invalidates the other person’s experience or background.
- It creates blame instead of connection.
- It suggests the other person is failing a test they didn’t know they were taking.
- It stalls growth in relationships by avoiding a real dialogue.
Instead of expecting others to “just know,” try practicing clear, kind communication:
“It would mean a lot to me if you helped with the dishes after I cook.”
“I’ve noticed we have different ways of doing things—can we talk about our preferences?
Why Clarity Beats Assumptions
In relationships—whether romantic, familial, or professional—it’s more respectful and productive to express your needs clearly and openly. Here’s how to shift away from the “common sense” trap:
1. Acknowledge Differences
Understand that everyone brings a different set of assumptions to the table. What’s intuitive for you may not be for someone else.
2. Express, Don’t Assume
Instead of assuming others will meet your expectations, practice stating your needs clearly and directly.
3. Be Curious
Ask open-ended questions. “What did your family do in this situation?” or “How do you usually approach this?”
4. Practice Cultural Sensitivity
Recognize that people from different cultural or ethnic backgrounds may have different norms and values. Cultural humility fosters deeper understanding and reduces conflict.
IN SUMMARY
The next time you find yourself thinking, “It’s just common sense,” take a breath. Ask yourself: Is this really universal? Or is this a reflection of my own personal or cultural background?
Relationships thrive when we replace assumptions with dialogue. When we lead with curiosity, communicate clearly, and acknowledge differences, we create a foundation of respect, not resentment.
If you’re looking for help navigating communication or relationship dynamics, therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to explore these patterns and grow beyond them. Contact us today for a consultation, and let’s work together toward healthier communication and deeper understanding.
Written by Anita Avedian, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Helping individuals and couples build healthier, more connected lives.
Anita Avedian, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Anita Avedian, LMFT, is the President of Avedian Counseling Center, located in Sherman Oaks, Woodland Hills, and Glendale. She is very passionate about helping couples rebuild their relationship and to improve their intimacy, trust, and communication. With 25 years of therapy experience, including working with couples and individuals, Anita is seasoned in her work. Contact Avedian Counseling Center to learn more about our couple’s therapy and relationship support at (818) 383-1399. https://avediancounselingcenter.com/
