Shame is a complicated and often misperceived emotion that can profoundly impact our lives. It can appear as a whisper of self-doubt to the devastating belief of being incapable or unworthy. Shame manifests itself in various forms leaving the bearer feeling that they are not enough, often driven to isolate and hide away from the overwhelm and onslaught of feelings it ignites. This leads us to explore what shame is and how to discover the hidden signals and opportunities for growth found within the redirection of its messages.
What is the core of shame?
At its center, shame can be recognized as a gut-wrenching feeling of pain tied to distress or humiliation and ignited by the belief that one has failed some expectation or standard for being a person of worth. It is different from guilt which focuses on the wrongness of our actions and behaviors, as shame is aimed at the core of our sense of self-worth. Shame states that we are irreparably flawed and tells lies of being unworthy of love or belonging. I often see this with my clients in my work as a therapist. This is why the work of processing shame and working on one’s self-esteem is deeply tied to the untangling of its misleading narrative. It’s important to work towards self-acceptance and self-compassion.
How do I build resilience?
Shame brings with it an invitation to cultivate a sense of awareness around our values and the skill set of self-compassion. When shame is present it can be immensely overwhelming and often takes a lot of time and intention to redirect the spiraling negative self-talk to kinder and more neutral statements of understanding. Building the ability to talk to yourself as a close friend, offering soothing distractions, supportive affirmations, and finding where your humor lurks amid a difficult interaction. Furthermore, finding supportive loved ones who can provide empathy and validate your sense of worth can be a great way to remind yourself that the feelings of shame are just that. Thickening our skin and learning that acceptance of ourselves is where the healing begins.
How Does Vulnerability Help Me?
Shame thrives when it is provided with silence and judgment, but struggles to live in the presence of genuine empathy and care. When our vulnerabilities arise, our shame tends to come most alive, shame coming to send the signal that our worth is being weighed for judgment and filled with doubt there will be a good outcome. However, the work of Brene Brown, a researcher on Shame and Accountability suggests that the grips of shame fade when one begins to embrace their imperfections and vulnerabilities as an innate part of their humanity. When one opens themselves to be perceived and understood, flaws and all, they welcome authentic connections and help create a kinder internal and external world.
How Do I Stop Feeling Shame? Shame Avoidance
The avoidance of shame can feel appealing as we can all acknowledge the overwhelming distress often associated with its messages of unworthiness, but in the end, it gives the shame more power. The attempts to avoid shame’s wrath through people-pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies, and flat-out denial simply serve to reinforce its all-consuming messages of being inadequate. In those times when shame feels like it is telling us to stay small or asking us to disappear, we invite you to learn how to pause and listen in. To recognize that underneath the pressure of shame, is a chance to face those vulnerabilities with courage, to get to know your humanity, and to develop the ability to trust that your worth is innate. In other words, empower yourself to work through and sit with your vulnerability instead of avoiding it.
Why Is Embracing Imperfections Important?
To overcome shame requires the acknowledgment and embrace of our imperfections, and awareness that a life full of love and a sense of belonging is your every right as a human being. Unrealistic expectations and self-defeating narratives keep us from recognizing the imperfectly beautiful life you are capable of building. The fun is found in the mess and the magic of connection is found within the process of letting others see the wonders of vulnerabilities that exist within you.
With the development of self-reflection, openness to vulnerability, and use of self-compassion one can begin to embrace their authenticity and loosen the tight grip of shame. Let’s work towards disentangling from shame when it arises, letting it be seen not as a marker of our worth, but a signal that helps us to explore and discover where our empathy is needed. Meeting the shadow with your light, encouraging your authenticity to lead, and trusting that your worth cannot be deterred by shame’s misperceptions. Within that lifelong journey of embracing healing and acknowledging your innate worth, there is the recognition that to be imperfect is so wonderfully human.
Receiving professional support can help navigate complex and impactful emotions. At Avedian Counseling Center, we have experts who are here to help. We have multiple locations in the Northern Los Angeles area and offer both individual and group setting options. Reach out today to learn about our counselors, services, and availability to find the right fit for you.
Carly Rose Schwan is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Avedian Counseling Centers offering therapy in Glendale and Sherman Oaks to individuals and couples. Carly Rose Schwan works as an associate therapist under the licensed supervision of Chrys Gkotsi, LMFT #113638.
