What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are all about what helps you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. It is about what you are okay with and what you are not, and what helps you protect your peace. In a relationship, healthy boundaries can build safety and respect and help reduce conflict.
What Boundary Setting in a Relationship is NOT
- Trying to control others’ behaviors
- Threats or ultimatums
- Avoidance of the issue or the part that brings discomfort
- Not used for gaining power or “winning” the argument
- Not a form of punishment or manipulation
How to Know if I Need to Set Boundaries in My Relationships
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Avoidance
- Constant arguing
- Burnout/having no energy
- Feeling resentful
- Frequency of daydreaming/unable to stay present
- Having no time for yourself
At first, setting boundaries in a relationship can feel very uncomfortable. It may disrupt old patterns and shift dynamics that others were used to. However, that does not mean you set boundaries “incorrectly”. Some pushback from others might look like becoming angry or defensive, being accused of “being selfish”, being dismissed, or having your limits tested. If you notice this style of pushback, it means that the dynamics in the relationship are being challenged and changing. Staying consistent and reinforcing your boundaries is key here as the tension becomes the new normal. You may need to repeat your boundaries calmly, stay neutral rather than emotional, or follow through on the limits you set.
For example, your boundary could be: “I’m not willing to have this conversation when I’m being shouted at. I’m going to take a break, and we can continue this conversation when we’re both regulated.” In this example, the boundary is communicated clearly. The specific behavior, yelling, is identified, and you explain exactly how you will respond if it continues.
Meaning of Healthy Boundary Setting in a Relationship
- Helps define the roles in the relationship
- Clearly communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable in the relationship
- Understand and know what to expect in the relationship
- Staying calm and honoring your needs
- An invitation from your partner to collaborate on the issue. How can WE work on this?
- A form of practicing self-care to ensure you are not overextending yourself
Here are some questions you can ask yourself if you’re in a relationship:
- What are my needs and expectations in my relationship?
- Is my partner aware of them? Have I communicated them clearly?
- Have I set any boundaries in my relationship? If so, have I honored them?
To learn more about your boundaries and how to set them, call us at Avedian Counseling Center for a complimentary 10-minute consultation to match you with a counselor.
Authored by: Rita Akhian, AMFT
