As a therapist, I often hear clients say that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) doesn’t work for them or that reframing their thoughts doesn’t actually help them feel better. The key to remember about CBT is that it is not a practice you do one time, or one cognitive reframing technique you try once, and suddenly it works. It takes consistently practicing and being honest with yourself for it to actually make a difference.
Make sure you are being realistic when changing your thoughts. For example, you cannot reframe “That text made me so angry” to “I am not angry at that text.” That anger is justified. The emotion of anger is there for a reason and a purpose, and trying to convince yourself that you are not angry does not magically make the emotion go away.
Sometimes the reframe will look more like, “I’m angry, and I choose not to respond to that text right now because I don’t have to. It’s not urgent. I’ll respond when I can and when I’m in a calmer headspace.” That is still cognitive reframing. You are not denying your emotion or pretending that something did not bother you. Instead, you are creating space between the emotion and your reaction to it. Then, you are choosing to respond in a more helpful and effective way.
I think this is an important part of CBT that can sometimes get missed. The goal is not to force yourself into having a positive thought or to immediately feel differently or better. Rather, the goal of CBT is to have a thought that is realistic to the scenario and situation, while still honoring your emotions and understanding the core of why you felt a certain way. How effective is CBT therapy? Successful outcomes with the use of CBT can depend on routinely practicing the skills learned in therapy between sessions. The CBT therapist actively teaches practical CBT tools and techniques, using worksheets and exercises to help clients identify unhelpful thought patterns, regulate emotions, and develop healthier ways of responding.
Sometimes the reframe looks like, “Yes, I’m upset because of the text, but I do not have to react right now.” Then, with enough time and practice, you notice that the way you think about the situation starts to change. Maybe the intensity of the emotion becomes lighter, and you are able to see a different perspective. In fact, maybe now you are noticing that you are responding and reacting differently than you would have before. Each of these “maybes” is a step closer to changing your overall mood and thinking process in a way that was once not helpful for you.
Let’s take one more look at an example of a statement with “should” language. I often hear people say, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “It shouldn’t have bothered me to that degree”. Instead, try this: “I feel this way for a reason. Let me pause and listen to it. Now that I have, what do I want to do?” or “It did bother me, and that tells me something about myself, such as what I value or what matters to me most”.
In summary, CBT is not only about changing your thoughts once and expecting everything to feel better or improve. It is about practicing a different way of thinking over and over again, being honest with yourself, and learning to respond to your emotions instead of immediately reacting to them. The goal of CBT is to go from having self-defeating thoughts stemming from unhealthy belief systems to self-enhancing thoughts rooted in healthier, more balanced belief systems.
Rita Akhian, AMFT#142256 is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Avedian Counseling Center, offering individual, couples, and family therapy in Sherman Oaks, Glendale, and Pasadena. Rita works under the licensed supervision of Chrys Gkotsi, LMFT #113638.
