Conflict is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. What becomes unhealthy is when conflict is not handled constructively. Difficult conversations with your partner are meant to bring you closer together – fostering a sense of connection, intimacy, and greater self-awareness. “Too much conflict” is not the issue; rather, it is essential to understand how you are fighting, rather than what you are fighting about.
When Communication During a Conflict is Unhealthy
Here are some examples of unhealthy communication patterns to watch out for in a conversation.
- Blaming or criticizing language
- Saying, “you’re so selfish” or “you never think of me, you only think about yourself”. These types of phrases can come across as an attack on your partner’s character, which can often lead to defensiveness.
- Defensiveness
- Saying, “Well, you never seem to care or appreciate everything I do for you”. When defensiveness is used as a response when your partner is expressing how they feel, the original topic gets lost and shuts you out from understanding. The key here is to stay open and curious.
- Shutting out
- Another word for this is “stonewalling”. This may look like limiting eye contact, walking out, or staying silent in a conversation. This type of behavior can result in a negative response from your partner. It is okay to ask for a break, and be sure to communicate what is coming up for you so that you don’t leave your partner feeling abandoned. Say something like, “I need some space for a few minutes. I care about this conversation and want to continue this when I’m ready”. Don’t turn to silent treatment.
Healthy Communication and How to “Fight Fairly”
- Discuss one topic at a time
- Choose one topic and stick to it rather than letting the conversation get out of hand.
- Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
- Shift the focus from blaming to helping your partner understand what you are experiencing. Structure your sentences like this: “I feel…when…”.
- Don’t use degrading language
- Stay away from put-downs, name-calling, and swear words. Separate your partner from the conflict itself. By externalizing the issue, you shift from me vs. you to us vs. the problem, creating space for collaboration instead of competition.
When conflict is handled with empathy and curiosity, it brings couples closer together. The goal isn’t a perfect relationship with no arguments; rather, it is to turn conflict and disagreements into healthy dialogue.
If you’re looking for further assistance in your relationship, seek therapeutic help for your emotional and mental well-being. At Avedian Counseling Center, we have professionals ready to assist you in navigating relationship challenges. To learn more about our services and receive support, reach out today to pave the way toward your growth.
Rita Akhian, AMFT#142256 is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Avedian Counseling Center offering individual, couples, and family therapy in Sherman Oaks and Glendale. Rita works under the licensed supervision of Chrys Gkotsi, LMFT #113638.
