What Can You Do When Your Boundaries Are Violated?
There is a particular kind of anger and discomfort that comes from having your boundaries crossed, even after you have clearly communicated them. For example, let’s imagine that you’re about to have a difficult conversation with a loved one, but you’re just not quite ready to talk or don’t feel like you are in an emotionally regulated state to have an effective conversation. You recognize that you need to set a healthy boundary, such as: “I need a moment to calm down before we talk more.” In doing so, you’re not avoiding the conversation; rather, you’re asking for space to collect your thoughts and work toward emotional regulation. Instead of your boundary being honored, they push forward. They might continue the conversation, accuse you of avoiding the conflict, or say “you just don’t care enough to work through this”. In that moment, your boundary was dishonored, and you are left feeling unheard and pushed to engage. In other words, you’re being disrespected.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are limits we set with others and with ourselves. They are ultimately about what you will do to protect your well-being or peace. When you communicate your limits or express your needs, it might sound like, “Please don’t yell at me. If it continues, I’ll leave the conversation,” or “ I can’t commit to any plans this weekend as I need some time for myself.” However, just because you set a boundary, it doesn’t mean it will be respected. This can evoke a range of emotions, including anger, hurt, helplessness, and insecurity. When your boundary is not honored, what do you do?
What’s In My Control? Shifting perspectives
It’s important to shift your perspective toward what is within your control. Setting a boundary is okay, and you are allowed to do so, even if it means others won’t like it. When a boundary is dismissed, we tend to feel the urge to rephrase or over-explain, thinking maybe they just didn’t understand. Instead, shift your perspective and ask yourself, what is something I can control versus what can’t I control? For example, you CAN control how you communicate a boundary or choose to engage with someone. You CAN’T control whether someone else follows through, behaves, or understands your boundary. When your boundaries are repeatedly being crossed and/or dismissed, it might be time to reassess the relationship. Ask yourself these questions:
- Am I emotionally safe in this relationship?
- Do my values align with theirs?
- Am I regularly compromising my needs or values to maintain the connection?
- Do they encourage me to be the best version of myself?
- Do I feel like I have to over-explain or justify myself to be heard?
Reflecting on these questions doesn’t necessarily mean you want to end the relationship. It might just mean you need to take a closer look at your expectations, let go of some, or decide to give a little less of yourself to protect your well-being.”
How Can Acceptance and Boundaries Improve Your Mental Health and Relationships?
The power of acceptance is a powerful tool. Yet, this does not mean that you are okay with someone’s behavior toward you. It means you’re recognizing the reality of their actions or acknowledging that they may not be able to meet your needs in the way you want them to. Remember, you are not in control of other people’s behaviors, and you are not in control of changing them. Shift your focus to work through what you can do to protect yourself and your well-being. It is okay to feel uncomfortable emotions throughout this process, such as sadness or guilt. However, acceptance may be the key to your inner peace as it can lead to growth and mutually respectful relationships.
If you’re honoring your needs and setting boundaries, but still feel ignored or tested, know that it’s a complicated process that requires trust. Each time you stay true to yourself and keep consistent boundaries, you’re self-worth can increase.
If you’re looking for further assistance, consider seeking therapeutic help for your emotional and mental well-being. At Avedian Counseling Center, we have professionals to help you navigate life’s challenges and stressors that impact your self-esteem and confidence. To learn more about our services and receive support, contact us today to pave the way for your growth.
Anita Avedian, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Anita Avedian, LMFT, is the President of Avedian Counseling Center, located in Sherman Oaks, Woodland Hills, and Glendale. She is very passionate about helping couples rebuild their relationship and to improve their intimacy, trust, and communication. With 25 years of therapy experience, including working with couples and individuals, Anita is seasoned in her work. Contact Avedian Counseling Center to learn more about our couple’s therapy and relationship support at (818) 383-1399. https://avediancounselingcenter.com/
